Denial

Master likes to play quite a bit in the shower.  As far as locations go, it is honestly not my favorite.  It’s generally hot, water splashes in my face and my back hurts when I bend over to suck on him.  So considering that and the fact that I am craving some serious pain, it is inevitable that I was not going to cum from servicing him today. 

He is always so amazingly unapologetic about it.  He will converse with me  like I am not a desperate shaking mess inside, wanting to claw his eyes out for leaving me that way. 

So I wait till I thought he had left the room and grabbed my toy.  I peaked my head out of the shower to make sure I was alone, but there he was.  I said “hello” and ducked back into the shower.  I waited again until I thought he left and then asked him a question to make sure.  (I couldn’t go peeking at him again)  He had left, but heard me say something and came back in  to see what I wanted. 

When I was finally alone I sat on the floor of the shower with the water growing increasingly cool and inserted the toy.  Having to hurry in order to not freeze when the shower inevitably runs out of hot water, makes for a speedy and efficient orgasm.   I don’t have much patience when trying to get myself off.

Master is indifferent to my mastrubation so I don’t feel the need to tell him before I go fuck myself. 

I am beginning to wonder if I need this denial the way I need pain.  As much as it kills me each time he dismisses me and ignores my needs is that exactly the thing I need to be reminded of my place?

ADD?

I know I should write something, but I am so incredibly down.  The fundmental differences in values/beliefs between our counselor and us appear to vast a chasm to cross. 

On another note the counselor thinks we thinks we both have ADD.  It is certianly possible, but mostly acedemic since I am not going on meds.   But it may help us to understand each other more.

Expectations

I love my car.  Its a deep burgandy convertible that Master got me as an engagement gift.  And some idiot hit it in the parking lot.  So now I have a dent on the passangers side of my car and the door will not open.  Master says that he is not going to have them fix it.  He will only get the dent banged out in order to be able to open the door.  I loved my car and now it is broken.  But there is only silence in my heart.  A kind of flat detachment.  I know Master will do as he chooses, and that none of these things I appear to own are actually mine.  So I suppose if it is not important to him, than it cannot be important to me. 

I cannot allow myself to have expectations of Master.  As soon as I do, I over step my bounds and start to demand.  I must lose all belief that I have a right to anything.  The hardest piece of that to overcome has been my sexuality.  My old self keeps screaming from the back ground, keeping score.  Why should it matter to me that he gets to orgasm every day and I only get to when I can get in the right headspace?  Why am I counting orgasms like a child counts halloween candy?  Isn’t the most important thing that Master is happy?  But no, that is the first thing that will send me spinning.

For about the last year I have vacillated between overwhelming need with the seemingly requisite cunty attitude and being flat, shutting down.  I could not manage to integrate my unfullfilled needs with serving him in any consistent manner.  If I needed, I would find myself fighting to get those needs met. My only other solution was to shut down.  Then eventually I would find myself increasingly aggitated because I didn’t exactly sign on for a passionless vanilla marriage, and again would get myself in trouble.

But Master is tired of all of this.  I nearly got myself kicked out of here.  He requires both my passion and my obedience.  I am trying to integrate this.

Master knows how much I crave physical touch and pain and the lengths I go to have my needs met.  So of course he is targeting me there.  This is the battlefield where he will subjugate my will.  He has almost stopped touching me completely.  I am not allowed to tell him what I want.  I am only allowed to focus on his needs and my desire to touch him.  I can cum from touching him, so if I want to orgasm then I have to get out of my head and focus on him, and not what I want him to do to me. Basically if I dont get off it is my fault for thinking about my needs instead of his.  He is teaching me to only find pleasure in his pleasure.  And when it works it is perfect and beautiful but when it doesn’t I find myself resentful and bitter.

I have to believe that there is more.  Is it possible to focus solely on him to abdicate all personal need?  Is it possible to lose myself so completely in him that the only way to happiness is his happiness?  That I only feel his pleasure?  Can I learn to just not want?  I think there is a peace that I am catching a glimpse of, a oneness beyond anything I thought possible. 

But I wonder even if I am supposed to be content or maybe the point is to learn to accept my discontent.  Does contentment beget complacency?  Do my unmet needs serve to motivate?  Can Master ever have every immediate need anticipated so that he will never go without?  If I have not been able to provide that then is it ever be ok for me to move into contentment?  Is my contentment and happiness inately selfish? 

I know Master does not want me to shut down.  He has made this clear.  He will not excuse my disobediance.  This is also clear.  He will not aquesce to my wants.  That is a given. So I am finding that somehow I have to allow myself to feel all the cravings and yet accept that he will most likely refuse me what I so desperately desire. 

It seems it is all coming down to what he always says, “It does not matter how you feel, just do.”

Just a quick post

I have been reading over at http://aviewfromthefloor.sensualwriter.com and http://underhishand.com/ about expectations and desire, and the apathy that can come from continually having to supress our needs. 

And I am surprised because honestly I thought it was just me.  I want to explore this in detail but I am tired and head-achy tonight.  It is just good to know I am not the only one and that maybe some of this is normal.

Perfection

I happened to mention during counselling that my goal was to be the perfect wife.  (We do not use M/s terms in counselling). So of course the question was raised, what is the perfect wife?  I came out with a few things but would like to spend more time exploring that here. 

The perfect wife (thrall) is:  

Obedient above all else.  Submits to Master in everything. (Epheisans 5:22-24)

Always thinks of Master before herself. Puts his needs, wants, and desires before her own.  Will look out for Masters best interests.

Is trustworthy.  Will do what she says she is going to do.

Trusts Master to care for her.  Does not demand her own needs met.

Makes sure all domestic duties are completed.  Master should never have to think about these things. 

Anticipates what Master needs and has it ready for him when he asks. 

Makes sure purchases are made on time.  Master should never have to go without.

Always works hard and completes tasks to the best of her abilities.

Available sexually at all times.  This means proper hygene and dress as well.  Knows what Master likes.

Is fun, playful, cheerful and kind.

Does not complain, bicker or demand.

Develops interests that are compatible with Masters.

She acts approperiately even when Master is not around as her behavior is seen as a reflection on him.

She is able to make good decisions in Masters absence.

 

10 Who can find a virtuous wife?
      For her worth is far above rubies.
       11 The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
      So he will have no lack of gain.
       12 She does him good and not evil
      All the days of her life.
       13 She seeks wool and flax,
      And willingly works with her hands.
       14 She is like the merchant ships,
      She brings her food from afar.
       15 She also rises while it is yet night,
      And provides food for her household,
      And a portion for her maidservants.
       16 She considers a field and buys it;
      From her profits she plants a vineyard.
       17 She girds herself with strength,
      And strengthens her arms.
       18 She perceives that her merchandise is good,
      And her lamp does not go out by night.
       19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
      And her hand holds the spindle.
       20 She extends her hand to the poor,
      Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
       21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
      For all her household is clothed with scarlet.
       22 She makes tapestry for herself;
      Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
       23 Her husband is known in the gates,
      When he sits among the elders of the land.
       24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
      And supplies sashes for the merchants.
       25 Strength and honor are her clothing;
      She shall rejoice in time to come.
       26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
      And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
       27 She watches over the ways of her household,
      And does not eat the bread of idleness.
       28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
      Her husband also, and he praises her:
       29 “ Many daughters have done well,
      But you excel them all.”
       30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
      But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
       31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
      And let her own works praise her in the gates. ” Prov 31:10-31

 

 

 

 

 

Random Thoughts

I love being able to call him Master.  It reminds me of who I am and why he rules over me.  It makes me think more carefully about how I behave towards him.  And God it is hot.

Something I noticed in counselling -  The topic of my first sexual experience came up and I had to say that it was when I was 13 and yes, it was consentual.   At the time and for years there after, I used to be proud of that fact. Then for awhile I was indifferent.  It was just another tedious fact from my past.  But sitting there in the office in front of Master and saying those words out loud, made me feel so ashamed.  I didn’t want Master to think I was a whore.  The odd thing is he already knew this information but it was somehow different.   I don’t think he realised it effected me.  I wish I could have been innocent for him.

It is the same feeling that hold me back from expressing my desire fully for him at times.  I feel like if I completely let go he will think that I am a whore.  However that is not true.  He encourages me to show him how much I am turned on by him and since it pleases him, I do.

He is the first man I have ever truly desired.  With past lovers I would enjoy their touch and what they would do to me but I never craved their bodies the way I do with Master.  With Master I lose all self control.

Starting Over

Master has always wanted me to write daily, however I have not been.  So I am going to start this now.  I suppose I have gotten frustrated in the past because he never reads what I write, however I am pretty sure that is not the point.  I believe the point is to be focusing my thoughts on him daily.

Master allowed me to sleep in his bed last night.  I awoke this morning craving his cock in my mouth.  I had just sucked on him before bed so I was not sure if he would want me to again so soon.  I started rubbing his ass but he wanted me to massage his legs instead. 

I was craving him so deeply this morning.  He stood beside me while I was sitting at my computer and I started grabbing his ass.  He bent over with his hands on the back of his chair so I could access him better.  I rubbed him and grabbed at him.  I began to lick him between his cheeks, pushing my tongue inside his hole.  I stopped for a moment to ask he liked it when I touched him.

He said “Yes.  But its not just that I like it, it is a requirement.”

“Yes Master” I whispered.

“If you keep me satisfied, then I will satisfy you.”

I have been playing with Master off and on this morning.  But we keep getting interrupted so the tension has been building. 

Earlier I was so wet thinking of him and touching him that I began to touch myself.  He watched me and came over on the bed.  I took my fingers and used my wetness to lubricate his asshole and rubbed him the same as I was rubbing me.  Then I licked him clean.

Later on he stood by me and I was touching him all over, sucking at his tits, grabbing his ass, he had me lick the precum off a spot on his clothes and suck him through his underwear.  I was telling him how much I desired him in between licking him everywhere and he said

“Go ahead, cum all over yourself” and I exoloded orgasiming so strong, dripping all over my chair.  It was so powerful.  It is amazing how he never has to touch me to get me to cum.  It is his voice, the way  he gets in my head.  He  had that command over me from the beginning, even before we met in person. I asked him if he minded how much I desire him and how ravenous I get.  He said “Not at all. You just don’t know me that well”.  I get so uncomfortable letting go that much, wondering what he thinks of me.  I need to remember that he likes it, even if I think it is ugly.  Then I need to learn eventually to see my desire through his eyes and not my own.

We were finally able to get some extended time together.  By that point I was insatiable, sucking, licking and grabbing him everywhere.  I get overwhelmed by desire sometimes and just stop.  Like a kid in a candy store I cannot choose what I want next.  I am shaking with desire.  He helps me to continue.

I start to crave him inside me but that is not mine to ask for.  So I grab a dildo and first begin to suck on it.  He takes it from me and sucks it too.  Then he says he wants me to swallow all of it.  It is huge.  I lean over it and push it down as far as I can  but I gag near the end.  He tells me to try again. I push down farther, harder I can feel the cock pushing against both sides of my throat stretching it.  It hurts but I don’t care.  I want to please Master.  It is not far enough.  I try again, closer but not yet.  A single tear runs down my cheek.  He says “That is enough for today, you can practice again tomorrow. ” 

I take the dildo and rub it between my legs.  Master watches and mastrubates as well.  I slide it inside of me.  I say “Master I wish this was you inside of me.  I crave you so much.”  I start slamming the toy deep inside of me, faster and harder.  It hurts and I tell Master this.  I fuck myself with the toy until I cum.  I still feel insecure about mastrubating in front of Master especially bringing myself to orgasm.  But  he enjoys when I do and currently this is the only way I will receive stimulation in that manner so I am learning to lose my inhibitions. 

After I had cum on the dildo I pulled it from me and sucked my juices from it.  I began to rub my clit.  I was so wet from cumming and knowing Master was watching.  I rubbed his anus with my wet fingers to show him how much I desired him.  He told me to mastrubate for him till I came on my hand and then put my cum inside him.  I did as he said and came fast and hard.  I slid my wet fingers inside him. He kept having me repeat this.  I lost count how many times but I was cumming for him within about 10 seconds of touching myself each time. 

At one point I attempted to tell Master something I wanted him to do to me, but he told me I was pushing.  This was about him and I was trying to make it about me.  He told me I am not allowed to focus on what I want.  I am only allowed to focus on him and what he wants.  I understand. I need to focus solely on him and derive all my pleasure from his happiness.   I need to trust him, and believe that he will look out for me.  Most of the problems so far have been because I have not trusted him.

Our playtime went on for hours and left me in a quivering heap.  I am so lucky to serve Master.

“…Sarah obeyed Abraham and called him master.”

Master and I have been having problems since his return.  He nearly sent me away and divorced me.   I have not been allowed to sleep in his bed the last 3 nights. He wanted to sleep alone one night and I decidided I had a right to be there and attempted to tell him as much.  I tried to force the issue and it nearly cost me everything.  He is tired of all my disobedience.

 Since then he has not allowed me to sleep in his room so I have been sleeping in the hallway on the floor in order to be the closest to him that he will allow.  I have not been able to sleep much. I pace the house. I am in agony without him. Often I find myself reacting more as a wife entitled to things than as his thrall.  I have failed him.

I cried out to God to help me.  He showed me my sins, showed me that I was hurting one of His children.  I repented for everything, and many past sins as well.

Yesterday we attended counseling as this was a requirement of my even living in the same house as Master.  It was a surprisingly good session and it gave us an opprotunity to communicate.  We spent last night talking about why I have been so disobedient.   It was a wonderful conversation which have been so few and far between lately. 

Near the end of our conversation he looked at me and said “You know, I think what will work here is a hardcore master slave relationship. I haven’t spent much time reasearching it since it seemed futile with your disobedience”  I said I was interested in going further. 

He told me to stand in front of him.  “Now address me properly to get my attention”

I said “Yes Husband” (Which until now has been his preferred title)

He said “no, what I said earlier” 

 ”Yes Master?” I said.

“Very Good That is how you will address me from now on since you need a constant reminder of your place…Now is there a reason I don’t have water?” Then he glanced over at my desk and said “Is there a reason you don’t have water either?” 

“No Master” I replied. 

 ”You know we should both always have water, correct?” 

 ”Yes Master”

 ”And yet we do not”

“No Master.” 

“Will this ever happen again?”

“No Master”

 ”And how can I believe you that this will never happen again”‘

“because I dont want to fail you Master”

“But what emperical evidence do I have that your word is good?  It has meant nothing in the past”

“None Master I cannot give you that”

“But you say you will not fail me again.  That is your word to me.  Are you giving me your word?”

“Yes Master”

“Then I will take you at your word.  Do not fail me. Now, turn around, now pull up your shorts and bend over”

I did as he said. I felt his hand slam down hard on my ass twice in quick succession.  Then he pinched me hard and twisted the skin. He then made me remain bent over as he looked at me. “ok” he said.

I got our water and when I came back he was naked, sitting in the chair.  I felt an uncontrollable urge to suck on him.  I asked him “Master, may I suck on your cock?”  He said I could.  I sucked him into my mouth fast. I couldn’t get enough of him as I felt him fill my mouth. 

“You like this don’t you…you like to cum from my cock down your throat?”…I nodded excitedly. “Isnt this a better use for your mouth?” I nodded again.  He started pushing his balls into my mouth, stretching my mouth wide.  “How about this…the next time you feel the need to bicker, how about you just suck my cock instead.”  I nodded again eagerly pushing myself deeper into him.  He began thrusting into my mouth…I began to gag…”You need to keep practicing this…if you had been practicing instead of arguing with me you would be better at this now.”  I want to be the best at sucking on him.  “You keep practicing and stretching this hole then soon I will stretch out your other 2 holes as well. You like that dont you?” I nodded and pushed myself into him deeper faster until I came hard.  I sucked on him and drove my mouth down into him harder and faster craving his cum.  When he came in my mouth it was heaven.

He fell asleep quickly and since he had not invited me back into his bed, I left him to rest for the night.

Darkness

I am back.  It has been difficult to post.  The pain I try to forget comes in waves when I stop and think.

It feels so empty, even here.  I struggle because no one hears me.  

Not here and not at home.  

 Husband said he ”should” read this but feels it would be too draining.  I wish he wasn’t so disinterested in me.  He said someone (I think Evil Married Princess) told him he was too draining once.  He said he did not understand then, but he sees it now in me.  I hate her just for that.  I would love to know his every thought, picked apart in minute detail.  I could spend eons in his mind watching him think.  I believe she had all that and chose to dismiss it.  And now he hides it in places I will never find.  I crave it desperately and yet he keeps me from it.

He has said that I do not have to be jealous of his past,  but it is impossible for me not to be.  

I see what he has written to them, the passion he had for them. He played songs today that he had in a folder dedicated to EMP.

 I don’t think he knows/cares that I know where they came from.  

God what I wouldn’t give to have someone think of me in those ways. 

 But I am just servant/whore/thrall.   Nothing more.  He said that is because I have never obeyed him.  What makes me so jealous, is none of them ever had to obey and yet he loved them anyway.  They didn’t have to work so hard to get him to even notice.  Of course they were beautiful, educated, captivating etc.  Things I am not.

I honestly thought things would be different now that he is home.  I thought he would miss me, maybe even find some value in me.  I honestly believed that God gave us this opprotunity to salvage this marriage.   And I know I failed again.  But having him gone was so exhausting.  The depression took control and I gave all the energy I had to basic functioning.  He told me I disappointed him.  I know I did.  I couldn’t force myself to give anymore, and yet it was not enough…not even close.

So we slide back into the same routine of computers and tv.     My cleaning, cooking, giving head.  He occasionally talks to me, but I am so lonley for real conversation.  The sex is almost non existent.  It kills me as I miss his touch.  He was an amazing lover.

He gets angry that I am always ”down”.   

 I don’t know what else it is possible to feel when the man I love more  than anything, is at best indifferent to me.   He says it will take years and only if I am perfectly obedient the entire way there.  My heart is breaking.

American Made Music to Blog By 

NIN -Something I Can Never Have

Cravings

He is on his way home, and I cannot stop thinking about him.  I want to suck on him, my mouth on his nipples and on his cock.  I want to feel him in the back of my throat taking him deep within me.  I am praying he lets me drink from him when he arrives.

He has told me I am not allowed to practice until he gets home.  He does not want me sore.  I am still recovering from the other night.  I fucked myself so hard one dildo in my mouth and the other in my cunt…I made myself cry.  He wants me to be ready for him now.  I wonder if he realizes how hard this is and how much stronger it makes me crave him.

He has told me he wants me to have dinner ready when he gets home.  I will set the table while he showers and then we will eat together.  Afterwords he told me I will massage him while he lays by the fireplace.  I am thinking of the warm almond oil glistening off his flesh as I rub my hands all over his body.  I cannot focus anymore even to write this.