Tedium

“O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?” ~Romans 7:24

I find myself  incredibly tedious these days.  My thoughts, emotions, desires, these words, feel pointless and suffocating.  I find my needs, desires, dependence – repulsive.  I want to slam the ice pick into my brain in order to lose all pretense of potential.  I want to crawl out of my skin and burn the body to be free of this person.  I want to be consumed in the fires of torment, to purify this diseased soul.  God help me.  Inside it is all ashes and death.

I have felt the seperation between the old and the new.  Fingers under flesh, tendons pulled from bone.  And yet I crawl back to the corpse for comfort.  I beat on its chest trying to revive some semblance of the familliar. 

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” ~ 2 Corinthians:17

This I will never understand.  If I am a new creation, why is their still so much darkness lurking in the shadows?  Why is the corruption so intricately woven into the core of my being. 

These are the days I crave the beatings the most, to reduce me to basics, to recieve aboslution through the pain, to suffer, to prove my devotion to something much greater than I, to become something beautiful.  True beauty is born of suffering, a purification, in order to reflect the divine.  Sand into glass.

American Made Music to Blog By

Hurt – Ten Ton Brick