It Always Goes Back to Obedience

My feelings are everywhere right now.  Husband will be home in 3 days.  I can’t wait to see him, touch him, smell him.  (I have a pile of clothes on our dresser that he wore before he left that I could smell when I was missing him.  The scent is starting to fade.  I have pictures everywhere.  He calls all the time, but it isn’t the same.  I need him.)

He is my world, my reason for being.   I can’t imagine a more perfect person.  He is extremely intelligent, far beyond anyone I have known and he has this understanding of me; He can see inside me perfectly.  He is incredibly beautiful.  I love his eyes, his smile, and he has the most perfect hands…  (I know its a strange thing to stim on but I want to suck on his fingers constantly…and perfect wrist bones.)  I love every inch of his body.  I love the way he looks on the weekend with his relaxed smile and tussled hair.  I love the way he looks on his way to work, hard edges, uniform, boots.  He is even hot when he is angry but I don’t think he would want me thinking about that if he is upset.  I am drawn by his strength.  He holds such power and yet he is so much fun and is so cute.  He taught me how to laugh.  He lets me be me. He lets me breathe.  He is my everything, he saved me from death.  I love his integrity.  I envy his faith.  I love to watch him think.  I love his logic.

And OMG he is amazing in bed.  I have never been with anyone even close.  I love his cock.  I need him in my mouth.

I am missing him so much.  He is so close to being home, but not here yet.  Just out of reach.   I want to touch him and kiss him.  I want to drink from him to savor what comes from him.  I want to spend hours just watching him, always in awe.  He is perfection. I love him.

I am so excited that he is coming home; He is so ambivalent…

…And then the inevitable turn of thoughts from him to me and I begin to fall.  (The obvious, but difficult answer is to focus only on him, always) I am not allowed to worry about how much I didn’t accomplish.  But it is taking so much of me to push these thoughts aside.  I want to please him, give him some reason to be happy with me.  I’ve hurt him too much.  I don’t belong here.  This is my last chance and I feel like I have failed already.

I have never understood why he keeps me.  I am nothing like him.  He is so far above me.  So much better.  The disparity is astounding. I want to please him, but always fall short.  I wish I knew.  Is there something he sees in me that he doesn’t say? Sometimes I feel so replaceable.  There are plenty of girls that would be better sub/slave/thrall/wifey types. So why me?

What I have put together so far from random comments is that he likes that I play video games with him.  He likes that we have the same interests sexually, though he has never said I am especially good in bed.  He says I’m cute on occasion and I make him laugh.  He told me I was beautiful once. (I still remember where I was sitting when he said it, the thoughts I had…It was the only time anyone has ever said that and I treasure it.  I still pull it out in my mind, that at one moment in time he saw me that way.  Little things I suppose.)  He says I am intelligent, and while I am required to believe him, I see a chasm between us.

And I get sad sometimes because when I clean I run into things he has written about others.  I want to inspire in him those type of feelings but I don’t.  I want him to be impressed with me.  I want to inspire him.  He says those things aren’t important to him.  (I think I wanted him to say he is impressed by me) I want to feel a little less replaceable, a little less common.

*****

I was reading on http://randomtruth.net/blog/ and D said ”At one time in my life, I thought I wanted a slave. Until I had one and became utterly disgusted with her dependence upon me.”  I fear that this could be the inevitable conclusion.  There is a line I don’t know how to navigate.  I understand it in images but not in practice. Husband does not like it when I am too dependent/helpless. He finds it repulsive. But I am not to be independent either.  (God…maybe if I just stop worrying, listen to him, and let him navigate the line for me, then I will be fine.)

*****

I need to stop.  

I know it is this simple: 

If I obey him, he will make me into whatever he wants me to be.   

Why, oh why do I never get that? I spend way too much time in my head and not enough in his.  Focus only on him and the rest will follow.  Forget myself.  I think that is the answer.