Darkness

I am back.  It has been difficult to post.  The pain I try to forget comes in waves when I stop and think.

It feels so empty, even here.  I struggle because no one hears me.  

Not here and not at home.  

 Husband said he ”should” read this but feels it would be too draining.  I wish he wasn’t so disinterested in me.  He said someone (I think Evil Married Princess) told him he was too draining once.  He said he did not understand then, but he sees it now in me.  I hate her just for that.  I would love to know his every thought, picked apart in minute detail.  I could spend eons in his mind watching him think.  I believe she had all that and chose to dismiss it.  And now he hides it in places I will never find.  I crave it desperately and yet he keeps me from it.

He has said that I do not have to be jealous of his past,  but it is impossible for me not to be.  

I see what he has written to them, the passion he had for them. He played songs today that he had in a folder dedicated to EMP.

 I don’t think he knows/cares that I know where they came from.  

God what I wouldn’t give to have someone think of me in those ways. 

 But I am just servant/whore/thrall.   Nothing more.  He said that is because I have never obeyed him.  What makes me so jealous, is none of them ever had to obey and yet he loved them anyway.  They didn’t have to work so hard to get him to even notice.  Of course they were beautiful, educated, captivating etc.  Things I am not.

I honestly thought things would be different now that he is home.  I thought he would miss me, maybe even find some value in me.  I honestly believed that God gave us this opprotunity to salvage this marriage.   And I know I failed again.  But having him gone was so exhausting.  The depression took control and I gave all the energy I had to basic functioning.  He told me I disappointed him.  I know I did.  I couldn’t force myself to give anymore, and yet it was not enough…not even close.

So we slide back into the same routine of computers and tv.     My cleaning, cooking, giving head.  He occasionally talks to me, but I am so lonley for real conversation.  The sex is almost non existent.  It kills me as I miss his touch.  He was an amazing lover.

He gets angry that I am always ”down”.   

 I don’t know what else it is possible to feel when the man I love more  than anything, is at best indifferent to me.   He says it will take years and only if I am perfectly obedient the entire way there.  My heart is breaking.

American Made Music to Blog By 

NIN -Something I Can Never Have