Expectations

I love my car.  Its a deep burgandy convertible that Master got me as an engagement gift.  And some idiot hit it in the parking lot.  So now I have a dent on the passangers side of my car and the door will not open.  Master says that he is not going to have them fix it.  He will only get the dent banged out in order to be able to open the door.  I loved my car and now it is broken.  But there is only silence in my heart.  A kind of flat detachment.  I know Master will do as he chooses, and that none of these things I appear to own are actually mine.  So I suppose if it is not important to him, than it cannot be important to me. 

I cannot allow myself to have expectations of Master.  As soon as I do, I over step my bounds and start to demand.  I must lose all belief that I have a right to anything.  The hardest piece of that to overcome has been my sexuality.  My old self keeps screaming from the back ground, keeping score.  Why should it matter to me that he gets to orgasm every day and I only get to when I can get in the right headspace?  Why am I counting orgasms like a child counts halloween candy?  Isn’t the most important thing that Master is happy?  But no, that is the first thing that will send me spinning.

For about the last year I have vacillated between overwhelming need with the seemingly requisite cunty attitude and being flat, shutting down.  I could not manage to integrate my unfullfilled needs with serving him in any consistent manner.  If I needed, I would find myself fighting to get those needs met. My only other solution was to shut down.  Then eventually I would find myself increasingly aggitated because I didn’t exactly sign on for a passionless vanilla marriage, and again would get myself in trouble.

But Master is tired of all of this.  I nearly got myself kicked out of here.  He requires both my passion and my obedience.  I am trying to integrate this.

Master knows how much I crave physical touch and pain and the lengths I go to have my needs met.  So of course he is targeting me there.  This is the battlefield where he will subjugate my will.  He has almost stopped touching me completely.  I am not allowed to tell him what I want.  I am only allowed to focus on his needs and my desire to touch him.  I can cum from touching him, so if I want to orgasm then I have to get out of my head and focus on him, and not what I want him to do to me. Basically if I dont get off it is my fault for thinking about my needs instead of his.  He is teaching me to only find pleasure in his pleasure.  And when it works it is perfect and beautiful but when it doesn’t I find myself resentful and bitter.

I have to believe that there is more.  Is it possible to focus solely on him to abdicate all personal need?  Is it possible to lose myself so completely in him that the only way to happiness is his happiness?  That I only feel his pleasure?  Can I learn to just not want?  I think there is a peace that I am catching a glimpse of, a oneness beyond anything I thought possible. 

But I wonder even if I am supposed to be content or maybe the point is to learn to accept my discontent.  Does contentment beget complacency?  Do my unmet needs serve to motivate?  Can Master ever have every immediate need anticipated so that he will never go without?  If I have not been able to provide that then is it ever be ok for me to move into contentment?  Is my contentment and happiness inately selfish? 

I know Master does not want me to shut down.  He has made this clear.  He will not excuse my disobediance.  This is also clear.  He will not aquesce to my wants.  That is a given. So I am finding that somehow I have to allow myself to feel all the cravings and yet accept that he will most likely refuse me what I so desperately desire. 

It seems it is all coming down to what he always says, “It does not matter how you feel, just do.”