I know I should write something, but I am so incredibly down. The fundmental differences in values/beliefs between our counselor and us appear to vast a chasm to cross.
On another note the counselor thinks we thinks we both have ADD. It is certianly possible, but mostly acedemic since I am not going on meds. But it may help us to understand each other more.
I have been reading over at http://aviewfromthefloor.sensualwriter.com and http://underhishand.com/ about expectations and desire, and the apathy that can come from continually having to supress our needs.
And I am surprised because honestly I thought it was just me. I want to explore this in detail but I am tired and head-achy tonight. It is just good to know I am not the only one and that maybe some of this is normal.
I happened to mention during counselling that my goal was to be the perfect wife. (We do not use M/s terms in counselling). So of course the question was raised, what is the perfect wife? I came out with a few things but would like to spend more time exploring that here.
The perfect wife (thrall) is:
Obedient above all else. Submits to Master in everything. (Epheisans 5:22-24)
Always thinks of Master before herself. Puts his needs, wants, and desires before her own. Will look out for Masters best interests.
Is trustworthy. Will do what she says she is going to do.
Trusts Master to care for her. Does not demand her own needs met.
Makes sure all domestic duties are completed. Master should never have to think about these things.
Anticipates what Master needs and has it ready for him when he asks.
Makes sure purchases are made on time. Master should never have to go without.
Always works hard and completes tasks to the best of her abilities.
Available sexually at all times. This means proper hygene and dress as well. Knows what Master likes.
Is fun, playful, cheerful and kind.
Does not complain, bicker or demand.
Develops interests that are compatible with Masters.
She acts approperiately even when Master is not around as her behavior is seen as a reflection on him.
She is able to make good decisions in Masters absence.
10 Who can find a virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.
11 The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
And willingly works with her hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
She brings her food from afar.
15 She also rises while it is yet night,
And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
From her profits she plants a vineyard.
17 She girds herself with strength,
And strengthens her arms.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is good,
And her lamp does not go out by night.
19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hand holds the spindle.
20 She extends her hand to the poor,
Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
For all her household is clothed with scarlet.
22 She makes tapestry for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies sashes for the merchants.
25 Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “ Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates. ” Prov 31:10-31
I love being able to call him Master. It reminds me of who I am and why he rules over me. It makes me think more carefully about how I behave towards him. And God it is hot.
Something I noticed in counselling - The topic of my first sexual experience came up and I had to say that it was when I was 13 and yes, it was consentual. At the time and for years there after, I used to be proud of that fact. Then for awhile I was indifferent. It was just another tedious fact from my past. But sitting there in the office in front of Master and saying those words out loud, made me feel so ashamed. I didn’t want Master to think I was a whore. The odd thing is he already knew this information but it was somehow different. I don’t think he realised it effected me. I wish I could have been innocent for him.
It is the same feeling that hold me back from expressing my desire fully for him at times. I feel like if I completely let go he will think that I am a whore. However that is not true. He encourages me to show him how much I am turned on by him and since it pleases him, I do.
He is the first man I have ever truly desired. With past lovers I would enjoy their touch and what they would do to me but I never craved their bodies the way I do with Master. With Master I lose all self control.
Well I finished and published my 99 things page today. Hopefully now I can focus on my posts.
I spent way too much time looking at lolcats the last couple days over on http://icanhascheezburger.com/. The more stressed I get the more I find that I need to get lost in mindless humor. On my worst days you will find me curled up on the couch watching questionably-talented stand up comedians for hours on end. I have them recorded and saved on Tivo just for those instances.
Gotta love bondage lolcats though. Of course right in the middle of this, Husband asked me what I was doing, so I had to own up to my cheezy web-browsing activities. Then I had to tell him I actually considered taking pictures of our cats and posting them on the site as well. I asked him if he thought that was pathetic. He laughed and said, “Not pathetic, it’s just a little sad.”
Husband has been on TDY (Temporary Duty…not sure what the Y stands for) since September. He will be coming home at the end of this month, thank God. I will finally be able to breathe again. We have been incrediably lucky, in that he did not have to deploy to some crappy desert country. But it is still difficult to have him gone. He is my world and my focus. It is hard to stay motivated when he is not right here. Everything feels like a struggle, like moving through molasses. I do know it is not entirely rational, as Husband and I spend every non-working moment (and quite a few working ones as well) on the phone together. (I have to brag…Husband is the absolute BEST! He has been helping me write policies for my work along with doing his own work, and he is so incredibly good at it. Thank you Husband). But the days drag in in his absence. I have always been a very physical person and need touch to feel whole and connected. I am craving physical contact. My box of toys is just not cutting it anymore.
I told Husband today about this blog but he has not asked for the link. I am not surprised, but sometimes it makes me feel as though he is not interested in me. Of course he knows I will email it to him. But a part of me wants to be commanded to hand it over; I believe he wants me to offer it to him freely. ( If I have to guess anyway…I am not supposed to make assumptions on what he thinks…I am really bad at that.) It has been such a constant struggle at times in our marriage - I want him to demand compliance, to force me into submission, and he wants me to offer myself freely and naturally to him. “Just be a good little thrall” Of course it is what he wants that is important and I need to learn to be that for him. Hence this blog.
Anyway it is getting late and I need to get to bed or more likely to the couch. More tomorrow.
American Made Music to Blog By
Mudvayne – Dull Boy
 | Dvendred Happy Pants… on “…Sarah obeyed Abr… |
| Her Owner on Expectations |
 | oleander on Just a quick post |
| Anonymous on Cravings |
 | Thrall on Perfection |
