Mea Culpa

Forgive me Husband for I have sinned…

Beautiful, please know that I do not write this to seek absolution (As I told K yesterday, there are not enough prayers in the bible for all the things I have done) or to cause you pain.  But I find myself up before dawn drowning in regret.  I feel the need to lay myself bare in front of you for as little as it may be worth.  I cannot make up for the past, I cannot take away the pain.  But I wanted you to know that I don’t take these things lightly (anymore.) I am so sorry my dear, it is all my fault.  I am using this space as my confessional.  I am sure the list will grow as I remember.  If this will hurt you in any way, do not read it.  I can’t stand the thought of causing you any more sadness.

• When I met you, I led you to believe I was able to submit to you fully.  I never did.  I always elevated myself above you in my mind.  I was prideful and arrogant.  I thought I knew better than you. I never gave all of myself to you.  I never listened to you.  This is the biggest sin from which all others stem.
• I didn’t trust you even though you deserve it.
• I fought with you, screamed at you, pleaded with you.  I have yelled and argued with you. Tried to manipulate you with my anger and tears.  Was the threats of suicide only veiled attempts to get my way?  I am not sure, but I do not trust my past motives.
• I pushed you to take me in when you were not ready.
• I sent you old pictures that weren’t an accurate reflection of me.
• I promised I wouldn’t be obtrusive and yet I was.
• You bought me nice things and I didn’t take care of them.
• I was so resentful that I couldn’t have my dog that I hated your cat for it.  I have not always cared for your cats as best as I can.
• I was demanding of your time and attention.
• I had unfair expectations of you.
• I didn’t listen about the divorce.  I caused numerous problems because of that.
• I got mad at you when you told me to walk and get milk.  It was more proof of how ungrateful I was to you.
• I promised I would exercise and lose weight.  I have still not fulfilled this promise.  I am sorry you have to look at me this way.
• You bought my my convertible and I didn’t put gas in it.  I got in an accident because of it.
• I gave money to my ex.  I was incredibly disloyal.  It was worse to you than cheating.  I never saw how much I hurt you.
• I pushed you till you lashed out at me.  I have caused you to have a list of regrets as well.
• I did not trust your faith in God.  I fought against it till it nearly killed me.
• I did not allow myself to crave and desire you.  I somehow felt I would lose control.
• I have never fulfilled my end of our relationship.  I was supposed to make your life easier and yet I have consumed your time and given you little in return.
• You have had to repeat yourself often, and you hate that.
• I have not been taking care of my domestic responsibilities.  I have made you live in bad conditions because I have been lazy and self centered.
• I would stay home from work and cause you to lose money because of my self inflicted depressions.
• I have wasted more of your money than I can count.
• I agreed to work and then complained about it.
• I complained about everything.
• I complained about our beautiful house.  (I still don’t know why)
• I have ruined Christmas for us, possibly forever.
• I didn’t pay the bills like you told me to.  I think part of the reason is I didn’t want to get stuck with it forever, and didn’t think it was “fair.”
•  I didn’t make it a priority to help you.
• I have never really looked out for you the way I should have.
• I have made excuses for everything.
• I have attempted to withhold thoughts/feelings from you even when I knew you hated that. (It never did work)
• I keep saying “I can’t” when you hate that.
• I have not spent time learning you.  I should know you inside and out by now.
• I have embarrassed you in public…Yelling at the doctors office…by my presence around your friends.
• I have snuck food.
• I hide my body from you.
• I do not give all of myself sexually out of fear.  I do not always allow myself to desire you.
• I couldn’t attend your promotion.  I was not ready and am so sad I was not able to be there for you.
• I have consistently listened to what I think you want instead of what you really do want.
• I have never made you feel special.
• I have put you down.
• I have made you feel so alone.  You have said you have no one you can count on.  I was supposed to be that person and I have not been there for you.
• I have tried to control you.
• I have demanded you love me.
• I have withheld myself physically from you by not keeping up hygiene.
• I have fantasized about having freedom.
• I have put my needs and feelings ahead of yours on a consistent basis.
• I have been hateful consistently.
• I did what my parents wanted instead of what you wanted.
• I have not journaled daily like you wanted.
• I still do not have a shrink.
• I did not accomplish hardly anything I set out to since you have been gone.
• I try not to, but I still worry about that.  I wanted to impress you and make you proud of me.
• I have never looked outside myself.
• I have dragged you down with me.
• I have consistently put my feelings above your well being.
• I have not gone to doctors appointments like you tell me to.
• I put things off consistently.
• I still haven’t dealt with the legal issues.
• I flirted with an ex in front of you.
• I demanded that trip back east and caused more problems.
• I didn’t give you a chance.
• I am especially sorry for all the things I am forgetting and all the things I never realized I did to you.

I know there is more but I have to get to work now.  Husband called and asked me what I was doing.  He never asks that in the morning.  So I had to tell him.  I don’t like to bother him when he is trying to get to work.  He asked me what I was going to do about it.  I told him I will listen and obey him and serve him.  I will put his needs before mine.  I am afraid all my promises are hollow to him.  I must prove all these things.  He says the regret will fade if I change these things I have been doing wrong.  He says do not focus on my wrong doing but focus on how I am going to change it.  So that is what I will need to do here.  Focus on fixing this.

He is leaving to come home today!  He will be here Fri.

 AAMTBB

Enigma – Mea Culpa

It Always Goes Back to Obedience

My feelings are everywhere right now.  Husband will be home in 3 days.  I can’t wait to see him, touch him, smell him.  (I have a pile of clothes on our dresser that he wore before he left that I could smell when I was missing him.  The scent is starting to fade.  I have pictures everywhere.  He calls all the time, but it isn’t the same.  I need him.)

He is my world, my reason for being.   I can’t imagine a more perfect person.  He is extremely intelligent, far beyond anyone I have known and he has this understanding of me; He can see inside me perfectly.  He is incredibly beautiful.  I love his eyes, his smile, and he has the most perfect hands…  (I know its a strange thing to stim on but I want to suck on his fingers constantly…and perfect wrist bones.)  I love every inch of his body.  I love the way he looks on the weekend with his relaxed smile and tussled hair.  I love the way he looks on his way to work, hard edges, uniform, boots.  He is even hot when he is angry but I don’t think he would want me thinking about that if he is upset.  I am drawn by his strength.  He holds such power and yet he is so much fun and is so cute.  He taught me how to laugh.  He lets me be me. He lets me breathe.  He is my everything, he saved me from death.  I love his integrity.  I envy his faith.  I love to watch him think.  I love his logic.

And OMG he is amazing in bed.  I have never been with anyone even close.  I love his cock.  I need him in my mouth.

I am missing him so much.  He is so close to being home, but not here yet.  Just out of reach.   I want to touch him and kiss him.  I want to drink from him to savor what comes from him.  I want to spend hours just watching him, always in awe.  He is perfection. I love him.

I am so excited that he is coming home; He is so ambivalent…

…And then the inevitable turn of thoughts from him to me and I begin to fall.  (The obvious, but difficult answer is to focus only on him, always) I am not allowed to worry about how much I didn’t accomplish.  But it is taking so much of me to push these thoughts aside.  I want to please him, give him some reason to be happy with me.  I’ve hurt him too much.  I don’t belong here.  This is my last chance and I feel like I have failed already.

I have never understood why he keeps me.  I am nothing like him.  He is so far above me.  So much better.  The disparity is astounding. I want to please him, but always fall short.  I wish I knew.  Is there something he sees in me that he doesn’t say? Sometimes I feel so replaceable.  There are plenty of girls that would be better sub/slave/thrall/wifey types. So why me?

What I have put together so far from random comments is that he likes that I play video games with him.  He likes that we have the same interests sexually, though he has never said I am especially good in bed.  He says I’m cute on occasion and I make him laugh.  He told me I was beautiful once. (I still remember where I was sitting when he said it, the thoughts I had…It was the only time anyone has ever said that and I treasure it.  I still pull it out in my mind, that at one moment in time he saw me that way.  Little things I suppose.)  He says I am intelligent, and while I am required to believe him, I see a chasm between us.

And I get sad sometimes because when I clean I run into things he has written about others.  I want to inspire in him those type of feelings but I don’t.  I want him to be impressed with me.  I want to inspire him.  He says those things aren’t important to him.  (I think I wanted him to say he is impressed by me) I want to feel a little less replaceable, a little less common.

*****

I was reading on http://randomtruth.net/blog/ and D said ”At one time in my life, I thought I wanted a slave. Until I had one and became utterly disgusted with her dependence upon me.”  I fear that this could be the inevitable conclusion.  There is a line I don’t know how to navigate.  I understand it in images but not in practice. Husband does not like it when I am too dependent/helpless. He finds it repulsive. But I am not to be independent either.  (God…maybe if I just stop worrying, listen to him, and let him navigate the line for me, then I will be fine.)

*****

I need to stop.  

I know it is this simple: 

If I obey him, he will make me into whatever he wants me to be.   

Why, oh why do I never get that? I spend way too much time in my head and not enough in his.  Focus only on him and the rest will follow.  Forget myself.  I think that is the answer.

Surprising, I Know

I took Sage Vivant’s Erotic Personality Quiz and discovered I’m a Bottom!

What is your Erotic Personality? Find out now.

Being a “bottom” sexually has never been up for debate.  My childhood fantasies were of being used and degraded, hurt and in chains.  I did not understand what the feeling was back then, but I knew these thoughts made me have good feelings between my legs.  I would endulge in them regularly.

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Tedium

“O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?” ~Romans 7:24

I find myself  incredibly tedious these days.  My thoughts, emotions, desires, these words, feel pointless and suffocating.  I find my needs, desires, dependence – repulsive.  I want to slam the ice pick into my brain in order to lose all pretense of potential.  I want to crawl out of my skin and burn the body to be free of this person.  I want to be consumed in the fires of torment, to purify this diseased soul.  God help me.  Inside it is all ashes and death.

I have felt the seperation between the old and the new.  Fingers under flesh, tendons pulled from bone.  And yet I crawl back to the corpse for comfort.  I beat on its chest trying to revive some semblance of the familliar. 

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” ~ 2 Corinthians:17

This I will never understand.  If I am a new creation, why is their still so much darkness lurking in the shadows?  Why is the corruption so intricately woven into the core of my being. 

These are the days I crave the beatings the most, to reduce me to basics, to recieve aboslution through the pain, to suffer, to prove my devotion to something much greater than I, to become something beautiful.  True beauty is born of suffering, a purification, in order to reflect the divine.  Sand into glass.

American Made Music to Blog By

Hurt – Ten Ton Brick

 

Reprogramming

I woke up this morning feeling a strong desire.  Husband is still away so I decided I would play with a couple of his toys and practice my deepthroating some more. 

There is a difference between practicing when Husband is listening and when he is not present.  When he is on the other end of the phone, he likes to listen to me.  He likes to hear the dildo slam in and out of my mouth.  He is relatively silent but at times will give instruction.  I devote all my focus and thoughts to him.

When he is not there my inner sadist comes out.  He is born of my own darkness and directed back at myself.  He helps me to reprogram, to align my will with that of Husbands.  He has no love for me, only for beauty and  perfection, pleasure through pain.  He has been kinder lately or maybe there is 2. ( Or maybe he is fragmented as well) I only exist in pieces.

 His words come into my head, warm and comforting.   He teaches me  to crave the cock in my throat.  As I masturbate with one dildo, I slide the other between my lips.  He tells me to push it in deeper diminishing my breath.  What air I can get I have to breathe in slowly so not to aspirate my saliva, which is pooling in my mouth.

“the lack of air makes your desire overwhelming…you crave this feeling…push it in deeper…lose the last of your breath. You don’t need to breathe…you need to be filled with cock…”

The understanding comes as my mind processes the feelings of suffocation into a deeper throbbing in my cunt.  I draw in my last breath and shove the cock down the back of my throat.  My throat begins to contract…

“Only bad filthy whores gag…you want to be a  good girl don’t you?…good girls crave cock… to gag would mean you are rejecting what he is giving you…It is disobedient to gag.  You must submit your entire body to him…his cock belongs in your throat.  That is the only purpose of your mouth…you are nothing to him if you cannot perform this service flawlessly…you desire it…his cock makes you whole…”

Again I realise I am transposing the feeling of gagging with desire. 

As I rub my clit with one dildo and continue to press the other deep into my mouth, his words come fast, filled with images concepts facilitating my immediate understanding.  He tells me to lose all wants and desires.  That I may only derive pleasure from pleasing husband. Whatever Husband wants is what I want.  I will not rest until his desires are fulfilled. He must be my only focus.  There is no self no other, only Husband.

I must derive my strongest pleasure from oral.  I will crave only pleasuring him.  I will desire nothing in return.  I will crave him constantly. 

“Give all of yourself to him…lose your self in him…you have no will but his….” Repeated as I am sent over the edge into orgasm.

Don’t Worry

  ”Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
Matthew 6:33-34

“Don’t worry about it.”

This is what Husband told me when I was in a panic last month because I had not gotten to the projects I planned to do while he was gone.  He had given me an idea of what he wanted and I decided on this huge list of things I wanted to accomplish while he was away.  The problem is, we spent just as much time playing online as we did when he was home, and I am terrible about saying I need to leave and get work done, so this list of projects did not happen.  I had worked myself up into a panic, feeling like a failure… and that is when he told me “Don’t worry about it.”

What I always fail to see until he points it out is that ”do not worry” is not a platitude or suggestion coming from him,  it is a command. Do. Not. Worry.  And so each time I begin to worry, I fight it knowing it would be disobedient to continue.   I find myself with a decision to make.  I hold in my mind 2 conflicting thoughts, his and mine.  I must choose between my beliefs that cause me to worry or his beliefs that prove I do not need to.  Since for me to worry would be disobedient, and my thoughts cause me to worry, I learn to adopt his thoughts and beliefs for mine. 

Initially it seems so inocuous.  An owner looking out for his thrall, not wanting her to worry and therefore using his position and authority to make it easy on her.  But I am beginning to see the farther reaching consequences.  I am seeing that the  beauty of it, is he is getting deeper into my head, commanding me what to think.  The possibilities are incrediable.  His eventual ability to tell me what to think in any given instance would ensure immediate compliance.    To me this is the ultimate perfection and beauty.   I would love for  him to own and have control over any thought or desire he chooses to. 

 He says everything he does is with intent.  While I am not allowed to assume what his intent is, I am sure that anything I think of, he has already thought of.  I know he values immediate unquestioning obediance above all.

My Fantasy Girl

I was lying in bed talking to Husband and reading snippets of “The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty” during the pauses.  The warmth of his voice along with the content of the story was making me wet.  I rolled over and pulled out a medium sized (for me) dildo from our toy-box.  While I listened to him speak of Guild Wars strategies I slowly pressed the head of the dildo between my legs.  It is large enough that it doesn’t enter me right away, so I pressed it repeatedly against my opening. 

It was at that point he asked “What are you doing?” 

“Um…reading a bit…and fucking around with this toy” *blush (I still get embarrassed around him)

“What toy are you using” He said in a tone of playful curiosity

“The the one with the red base”  (The toy is a flesh coloured, penis shaped dildo about 8 1/2″ in circumference and 8 inches long.  The red base is a vacu-lock base.)

“You like to play with that toy, don’t you”

“Yes Husband, I do. 

“What are you thinking about?”

“That I wish you were here” I rubbed the toy between my legs across my clit and my cunt.  I stretched my lips wide and started working the toy inside.

“Why is that?”

“Because then you would be here to put the big toys inside me. I love it when you fuck me hard with the big toys.” I slid the dildo all the way inside; I felt so full.  ” I love being stretched so wide for you, I love it when you watch me.  You like to stick big toys in me don’t you.  You like to see me opened up for you?”

“Yes”

“And then I  want you to teach me to take the big toys in my ass as well.  I could be stretched wide for you in both holes.  And then you could fuck me in my mouth.  I would love to be so full of cock. 

I continued to fuck myself  with the toy gaining momentum.  “Can I tell you a fantasy?”

“Yes, go ahead.”

“There is this girl at work that I can’t get out of my head.   She is short and cute…long dark shiny hair, voluptuous tits,…nice grab-able ass.   She wears skirts with these fuck-me boots….

“Mmm…what would you like to do with her?”

“I want to bring her home and have her suck your cock.”

“Really…and what would you be doing?”

“Well at first I would want to watch her pleasure you.  You would be standing and she would be on her knees sucking you.   I would kneel down behind her, wrap my arms around her and play with her tits.  Then I would slide my hands down her waist to her and grab her ass.  I would slip one hand between her legs and play with her clit.  I would stick my fingers in her cunt.  She would suck you harder and deeper.  I would put on my strap-on and fuck her with a cock that was just a little too big for her.  It would make her hurt and cry out to you.  She would press herself into you moving her tongue along the shaft of your cock, swallowing hard so that her throat muscles would contract against you.  I would sit back on my knees pulling her on top of me, the cock deep within her.  You would grab the back of her hair and throat fuck her while I played with her tits.  She would want it to be you touching her and fucking her.  She would be craving your cock inside her slit.  She would cum despite herself and then you would stop and tell me you wanted some time to play with her by yourself.  You tell me to get in the corner, and throw a dildo beside me.  ‘Fuck yourself with this, while you watch us’, you would say.  You would bring her over to the bed, pull her on top of you and let her ride you.  I would watch her while I fucked myself hard with the toy you gave me, envying her enjoyment of you*…”  I was getting close to the edge and wanted to finish with a dildo in my mouth as well.  I reached over and pulled my practice toy out of the nightstand. ” I’m going to practice now.” (Practice= throat fuck myself with a toy)

“OK”

I shoved the dildo to the back of my throat hard and at the same time thrust the cock between my legs with equal force.  Knowing Husband is listening to me gag myself with a dildo served to  highten my enjoyment.  I increase speed and depth, fucking myself hard from both ends.  I could feel the soreness build both in my cervix and my throat.  I gagged and sputtered, saliva pooling in my mouth, wetness dripping from my cunt…and I was sent over the edge cumming hard in waves.  I collapsed onto the bed, exhausted. “Did you enjoy that?” I whispered.

“Yes…OK time for bed…Get some sleep”

I curled up in perfect bliss and drifted off to sleep.

 * the conclusion to the fantasy is that he would invite me back to the bed to lick her juices off his cock and lick the cum out of her.

 American Made Music to Blog By

Marylin Manson – Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)

  

What I Wish I Knew Then

I was reading a post over on http://iwant2bkept.wordpress.com and got to thinking about the things I wish I knew going into a TPE relationship.  I am planning on doing several posts about what to expect when entering into this type of relationship. 

Beginnings

My initial interests in BDSM were purely sexual.  I love being tightly bound, beaten, fucked, gagged, humiliated.   I cum from pain.  I  crave to be ruled, dominated, used.  When the idea of a 24/7 relationship was broached, I naively thought that this is what my life would be like 24/7.  Constant pleasure and sexual tension, service would be rewarded with marathon fucking sessions….

Enter Real Life…

I came to Husband from a world where I (thought I) was in control.  Honestly I was completely out of control.  I was rebellious, angry, antagonistic.  I drank too much, yelled, fought.  I was demanding and ego-centric.  I thought the world owed me.  I was a masochist needing to get beat.  I was drowning and needed a saviour.  I was craving some kind of structure, focus, purpose.   

I met Husband on-line.   I was drawn to his strength.  His intelligence was overwhelming to me.  I told him on several occasions that he would either be my salvation or my destruction.  I felt I could respect him because he was capable of getting into my head and taking me apart. I couldn’t challenge him and win.  I knew he wouldn’t put up with my behavior. Husband hates arguing. Obedience is paramount.  He wants a peaceful orderly environment.  He wants to have fun.   I agreed to be his property. I would submit to him.  My entire purpose for my existence from that moment on would be to serve him and make him happy.  Of course I was still my angry belligerent little self…

But hey, submission is hot, how hard can it be?

 In a word…very.   I found out quickly that I am not very service orientated.  I was interested in all things BDSM , but not service.  I told him I was not domestic.  I assumed that was my “Get out of housework free, card.”  He decided he would train me to be.  I wanted to be beaten, forced and coerced into submission.  He wanted quiet, graceful, natural service. 

“Whatever needs to be maintained through force is doomed” – Henry Miller

Forced submission is not sustainable.  The submissive must consciously give herself to her owner, body, mind, and soul.  She must make that final decision knowing that is the last real decision she will ever make. She must focus fully on her owners wants, needs and desires.  She must trust her owner completely and allow herself to become enslaved by him.  It is a process, not something that will happen immediately.  True submission comes from the heart out of an honest desire to please and to put the owner above ones self.

Getting there has been a process, a struggle at times.   Learning to set my wants and desires in his hands instead of demanding them as “rights” has been especially difficult.  Continually maintaining focus solely on him, instead of the competing stimuli inside my head has been hard.  But submitting to him is the most rewarding thing I have ever done.

American Made Music to Blog By

Five Finger Death Punch – The Bleeding

Bondage Lolcats

Well I finished and published my 99 things page today.  Hopefully now I can focus on my posts.

I spent way too much time looking at lolcats the last couple days over on http://icanhascheezburger.com/.  The more stressed I get the more I find that I need to get lost in mindless humor.  On my worst days you will find me curled up on the couch watching questionably-talented stand up comedians for hours on end.  I have them recorded and saved on Tivo just for those instances. 

 

Gotta love bondage lolcats though.  Of course right in the middle of this, Husband asked me what I was doing,  so I had to own up to my cheezy web-browsing activities.  Then I had to tell him I actually considered taking pictures of our cats and posting them on the site as well.  I asked him if he thought that was pathetic.  He laughed and said, “Not pathetic, it’s just a little sad.” 

Husband has been on TDY (Temporary Duty…not sure what the Y stands for) since September.  He will be coming home at the end of this month, thank God.  I will finally be able to breathe again.  We have been incrediably lucky, in that he did not have to deploy to some crappy desert country.  But it is still difficult to have him gone.  He is my world and my focus.  It is hard to stay motivated when he is not right here.  Everything feels like a struggle, like moving through molasses.  I do know it is not entirely rational, as Husband and I spend every non-working moment (and quite a few working ones as well) on the phone together.  (I have to brag…Husband is the absolute BEST!  He has been helping me write policies for my work along with doing his own work, and he is so incredibly good at it. Thank you Husband).  But the days drag in in his absence.  I have always been a very physical person and need touch to feel whole and connected.  I am craving physical contact.  My box of toys is just not cutting it anymore.

I told Husband today about this blog but he has not asked for the link.  I am not surprised, but sometimes it makes me feel as though he is not interested in me. Of course he knows I will email it to him.  But a part of me wants to be commanded to hand it over; I believe he wants me to offer it to him freely.  ( If I have to guess anyway…I am not supposed to make assumptions on what he thinks…I am really bad at that.) It has been such a constant struggle at times in our marriage -  I want him to demand compliance, to force me into submission, and he wants me to offer myself freely and naturally to him.  “Just be a good little thrall”  Of course it is what he wants that is important and I need to learn to be that for him.  Hence this blog. 

Anyway it is getting late and I need to get to bed or more likely to the couch.  More tomorrow.

11 Days

Husband will be home in 11days and I have some things to get done before he gets here.  I am going to use this space to track what is getting done.

1. Get hair cut
2. Buy toys. (he is intergral in this one)
3. By sexy clothes/lingerie/matching bra-panty sets.  He is requiring me to only wear these at home
4. Finish projects around the house – basement, main lvl, upstairs.
5. Order H2O bottles
6. Coffee mugs – triangle desk kind + 1 for me
7. Meal plan (2 mo. rotating plan)
8. Grocery shop.  Don’t forget drinks/snacks
9. Cut fingernails
10. Wax everything
11. Begin work out routine again
12. Plan nice dinner for his return…order, pick up  honeybaked ham… make pumpkin cake?
13. Practice “Yes, Husband” as the only approperiate response
14. Practice deepthroating toys (doing)
15. Sort mail
16. Filing
17. Prepair and freeze some meals
18. Practice fluid graceful movements
19. Finish cleaning bedroom 
20. Ensure kitchen is spotless
21. Stock bathrooms with his toothpaste shampoo shaving cream etc.
22. Finish the Excellent Wife book/study
23. Purchase new headpiece for phone.
24. Purchase choke collar and chain leash locally
25. Focus on creating a peaceful environment for him to come home too
26. Netflix
27. Begin drinking lots of water and taking vitamins. ( Doing well w/ water but not vitamins)
28. Be cleaned out the day of his arrival
29. Buy more lube
30. Order PC gamer back order
31. Yard
32. Get a shrink