I was reading a post over on http://iwant2bkept.wordpress.com and got to thinking about the things I wish I knew going into a TPE relationship. I am planning on doing several posts about what to expect when entering into this type of relationship.
Beginnings
My initial interests in BDSM were purely sexual. I love being tightly bound, beaten, fucked, gagged, humiliated. I cum from pain. I crave to be ruled, dominated, used. When the idea of a 24/7 relationship was broached, I naively thought that this is what my life would be like 24/7. Constant pleasure and sexual tension, service would be rewarded with marathon fucking sessions….
Enter Real Life…
I came to Husband from a world where I (thought I) was in control. Honestly I was completely out of control. I was rebellious, angry, antagonistic. I drank too much, yelled, fought. I was demanding and ego-centric. I thought the world owed me. I was a masochist needing to get beat. I was drowning and needed a saviour. I was craving some kind of structure, focus, purpose.
I met Husband on-line. I was drawn to his strength. His intelligence was overwhelming to me. I told him on several occasions that he would either be my salvation or my destruction. I felt I could respect him because he was capable of getting into my head and taking me apart. I couldn’t challenge him and win. I knew he wouldn’t put up with my behavior. Husband hates arguing. Obedience is paramount. He wants a peaceful orderly environment. He wants to have fun. I agreed to be his property. I would submit to him. My entire purpose for my existence from that moment on would be to serve him and make him happy. Of course I was still my angry belligerent little self…
But hey, submission is hot, how hard can it be?
In a word…very. I found out quickly that I am not very service orientated. I was interested in all things BDSM , but not service. I told him I was not domestic. I assumed that was my “Get out of housework free, card.” He decided he would train me to be. I wanted to be beaten, forced and coerced into submission. He wanted quiet, graceful, natural service.
“Whatever needs to be maintained through force is doomed” – Henry Miller
Forced submission is not sustainable. The submissive must consciously give herself to her owner, body, mind, and soul. She must make that final decision knowing that is the last real decision she will ever make. She must focus fully on her owners wants, needs and desires. She must trust her owner completely and allow herself to become enslaved by him. It is a process, not something that will happen immediately. True submission comes from the heart out of an honest desire to please and to put the owner above ones self.
Getting there has been a process, a struggle at times. Learning to set my wants and desires in his hands instead of demanding them as “rights” has been especially difficult. Continually maintaining focus solely on him, instead of the competing stimuli inside my head has been hard. But submitting to him is the most rewarding thing I have ever done.
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